Talk to any non-custodial parent, father or mother, and you will quickly learn how child support is one of the most contentious issues in family law – and Massachusetts child support issues are no exception. There are some things which you must know right up front. While many people don’t realize it, Massachusetts support laws are fairly fixed, and don’t take into account such things as what your or your ex's actual child-related expenses are. The child support laws look at only a few factors, and you may find that an award for child support takes into account only the following:

• How much you earn;
• How much your (former) spouse earns, and
• How many children you have.

Sometimes, although not often, a court will consider expenses which it may consider extraordinary. However that is the exception, not the rule. For example, the cost of dancing lessons, sports lessons, or other discretionary extracurricular activities will not be taken into account when awarding child support.

The court usually only accounts for how much rent you pay, how much your mortgage is, or what your other living expenses are. The main factors are income and number of children. 

At The Massachusetts Family Law Group, questions about child support fill our voice mailboxes and jam our e-mail accounts.  Here are the most common questions we get asked:

Q:  If my husband doesn’t pay, can I stop visitation with the children?

A:  Many parents labor under a mistaken apprehension that one can withhold visitation rights from the parent who has not paid support. The failure to pay support as ordered by the court is punishable by contempt and a possible term in jail. It is not, however, punishable by withholding children from visiting with the non-paying parent. One does not offset the other.

Q:  What about education expenses like college or private school?

A:  A frequent dispute is whether a parent must pay extraordinary costs for a child to attend private school when that parent thinks the children should be attending public school. Massachusetts judges will often allow deviations from the guidelines in cases of these expenses.

Q:  You’ve mentioned “deviations” from the guidelines.  What exactly does this mean? 

A:  Unless you can persuade the judge that there is a good reason for deviations from the standard guidelines, those guideline amounts will be presumed correct. Some of the reasons that have justified deviation are:

• One parent is responsible for paying a high amount of debt incurred during the marriage for the benefit of the children;
• One parent receives the tax benefits of the exemptions for the children and child-care expenses;
• One parent receives a larger share of the marital property;
• The needs of the children are exceptional such that they require more than average expenditures.

When it comes to custody, you and your spouse should try to resolve the issues of a parenting plan privately or through a four-way conference between you and your lawyers. If you can’t reach an agreement on your own or with help from your attorneys, the only alternative is to have a judge make the decisions for you.

Take the case of a father who has primary custody of a child and plans to remarry a woman who lives 1,000 miles away. He wants to take the child and move to be with his new wife. The child’s mother protests that her weekend visits with the child would be impossible. If the move is allowed, the child will have to change schools, lose friends, and see the mother only irregularly. Situations like this have become more frequent in recent years as our society becomes more mobile and employers transfer their employees around the world.

Massachusetts judges have decided many cases with similar themes, some for the parent who moved, some for the stay-at-home parent. In the situation discussed above, the case with our client didn’t go to trial because the husband cancelled the wedding to avoid losing substantial time with his child.

Be aware that when you take child issues to court, you are relinquishing complete control of major elements of their future to a judge who doesn’t know you or your children. In most cases, the judge has had little or no training in child development or psychology.

Also bear in mind that any agreement that brings goodwill for people who will always be part of your family is miles ahead of something that a judge imposes. As your child grows and changes, it will be much simpler to modify an agreement that the parents were able to reach on their own.

Example:  You may want to take your children on a special extended vacation some day. It will be much easier to arrange if there is a history of agreements of this type between you and your ex. But without an agreement, the matter must be settled by a judge and that will involve legal maneuvering, including preparing documents that will get you on the court calendar, gathering evidence to support your motion and having to appear in court. Lawyer fees for such a matter could exceed $4,000.

Breaking the News to Children

Once that you’ve explored the issues and have a plan in mind of how you want to proceed with your divorce, it’s time to consider your children; after all, their lives will be touched by your decision. Children deserve to know what’s going on. How you handle telling them will have a huge impact on the success of your divorce and your ongoing relationship with them.

While breaking the news of divorce is never a pleasant task, there are ways that you and your spouse can present the news of your impending split in a comforting and supportive way. Keep the following tips in mind:

• Before you approach your children, you and your spouse should privately discuss what you are going to say, how you’ll say it, and how you will handle the children’s reactions.
• Before you speak with the children, it’s a good idea to already have some of the details of the divorce worked out, particularly those that directly relate to the children.
• Both parents should tell the children together, if possible. This simple shared act makes it clear to them that you are serious about the divorce and may help them avoid feelings of divided loyalties.
• Do not assume that your children know the reasons for the divorce. They may have witnessed some arguments, but keep it simple to the point that the two adults cannot get along anymore, but that you both love the children.
• Expect interruptions and let the children ask questions as they arise.
• Do not make promises about the future that you cannot deliver. If your child asks about issues that have yet to be resolved, don’t pretend that you know the answers.

Experts agree that the one thing children need at this time is your support. Start by letting them know that they are not losing their parents. Assure them that, while you and your spouse are not going to be married anymore, both of you are still, and will always be, their parents.

Keep in mind that your children won’t be the only ones in their class to experience divorce. They’ve heard their friends talk about the subject, so they most likely have someone their own age to whom they can talk about the divorce.

Should We Stay Together for the Children’s Sake?

Which is better for your kids – staying together in an unhappy household for the sake of the children, or having a good divorce and setting a positive example for your kids?  Happy people are much better parents than unhappy people.

Even though there are solid positions on both sides of the argument, the experts do agree that the real issue is whether or not divorced couples can raise children who fare better in life as adults than unhappy couples who stay together for the sake of the kids.

Some parenting specialists believe that children living in chaotic or unhappy marriages learn bad parenting techniques, and feel that these kids would benefit in the long run by their parents divorcing. These specialists say that when you stay together just for the sake of the kids, you end up full of depressed and bitter people, including the kids, and that's not healthy.

There are different ways to raise competent and well-adjusted children. Whether you are divorced or decide to stay together, you still want to focus on how to help your children go through whatever struggles you are going through.  

Your children will not suffer as much during a divorce as if you stay together in a dishonest, deceitful, unhappy, name-calling kind of marriage. Staying together for the kids sounds admirable but may, in fact, present other challenges.

What are the children witnessing within their parents' relationship? How are the kids learning to be “authentic” in relationships? Children are often fully aware of the “games” adults play to stay together. They grow up witnessing the tension and conflict that is pervasive in the home, as opposed to the love and nurturing that exists in an emotionally solid family.

In a challenging marital environment, parents need to take a hard look at their relationship. Do they really want to save their marriage for their kids, or for themselves? It is better to help all the family members learn to cope with the fear and anxiety of the potential parental breakup than to expose the children to unhealthy behaviors by staying together.

Still, others present compelling reasons for maintaining the family unit. Barring the obvious which is that divorce is distressing for the children, there are a few other reasons to consider:

1.  Control. You see your children everyday. They’re there when you wake up, when you kiss them goodnight…at breakfast, lunch and at dinner. You see them every birthday and at all family or religious events. They’re with you for every visit you make to your parents, brothers, sisters and friends.

When you divorce you lose all of that control – control that you may not have understood and appreciated before.

2.  Financial. To speak of money at a time like separation or divorce might sound crass, but when your emotions are already in turmoil financial problems can be more distressing than ever.

The truth is you might be in for months or even years of custody battles, which will bear an emotional and financial cost far beyond what you think it will.

19 Tips for Parenting During Divorce

After divorce, the role of spouse ends, yet the role of parent continues. As co-parent, however, you’ve got to ask yourself a key question: “How can I manage co-parenting if my former spouse and I can’t get along?”

Here are some guidelines for parents after divorce:

1.  Put your children’s welfare ahead of your conflict with your former spouse. Avoid involving your children in any conflict with your former spouse (who is their parent).

2.  Remember that children need two parents. Help your children maintain a positive relationship with their other parent; give them permission to love that parent.

3.  Show respect for the other parent. Don’t make derogatory remarks to or in front of the children.

4.  Honor your time-sharing schedule. Be courteous to the other parent if you’ll be late or cannot make a date.

5.  If you are the non-custodial parent, do not fill every minute with the children with special activities. They need a routine that includes quiet, at-home time with you.

6.  Do not use the children as messengers or spies. Don’t pump them for information about their other parent.

7.  Strive for agreement on major decisions about your child’s welfare and discipline so that you are not undermining the other parent.

8.  Use common sense in exercising your custodial and visitation rights. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

9.  Don’t send or collect child support through the children. 

10.  Try to arrange your life so that your children each continue to attend the same school and to play with the same friends if possible.

11.  Jointly evaluate the parenting plan with your co-parent partner each year and make necessary changes.

12. Avoid being a visitor in your child’s life.

13.   Keep your children connected to you, even if you are not with them every day by email, phone, instant-messaging and letters.

14.  Try to provide consistency in rule-setting. If that isn’t possible, help your children understand that rules must be obeyed in each household.

15.  When transferring children from one household to the other, avoid discussing important issues.

16.  Avoid making unreasonable demands on your former partner, such as becoming angry if they’re a few minutes late.

17.  When communicating with your former partner, don’t preach, use a condescending voice or expect them to respond to requests immediately.

18.  When your spouse picks up or drops off the children, watch the entrance and exit lines. Don’t make negative statements such as, “You could have been on time” or “Did you give them a bath?”

19.  Teach your children to use their voice and better judgment if they think they may be in a dangerous situation at any time.

No matter where you live in Massachusetts, Attorney Irwin M. Pollack and the staff lawyers from The Massachusetts Family Law Group can zealously represent you relating to your divorce or family law matter.

Our offices are in Norwood, Woburn, Worcester, Springfield, and Plymouth.  For a no-obligation consultation, call (800) 910-DIVORCE or contact us today.