Signs You Might Be Headed For Divorce
Marriages rarely die overnight. Almost always, the destruction of a marriage happens little by little, over time. You can then work things out, prevent divorce and remain married, or make a decision to separate and get divorced.
Burying your head in the sand when it comes to marital woes won’t make your problems go away. In fact, if divorce is in the cards, the sooner you acknowledge the problem, the more prepared you will be for what is to come once you decide to leave.
You may find yourself replaying old arguments, resurrecting old hurts, crying a lot or becoming consumed with anger when your marriage is in trouble. This can turn small problems into big ones and cause you to lose perspective. A better idea is to take a proactive approach. Ask yourself whether your challenges between you and your spouse are everyday challenges or if these are, in fact, signs you may be headed for the divorce court.
Although there is no test that exists that can tell you if your partnership is on the rocks, troubled marriages do tend to exhibit the same characteristics. How many of the following characteristics apply to your marriage?
-
In your mind, your spouse just can’t do anything right anymore
-
Or, it seems like you can’t do anything right anymore in your spouse’s eyes
-
One or both of you are being verbally and/or physically abusive toward each other
-
You and your spouse argue vehemently and cast blame over unresolved conflicts
-
One or both of you are indifferent toward the other and make an effort to avoid each other
-
Intimacy between the two of you has decreased significantly
-
Neither of you have the willingness to resolve problems between the two of you
-
You have nothing to talk to each other about
-
You’re both pursuing new interests and friends independent of each other
Don’t panic if you find that your marriage exhibits some of these characteristics – you are not necessarily headed for divorce. You are, however, in need for a discussion with your spouse or a proactive meeting with a divorce lawyer if you sense the need to protect yourself on a “just in case” basis.
Preparing for Divorce
By preparing for divorce before it actually happens, you can reduce much of the stress and conflict that many people face when they rush the divorce process. Planning ahead allows you to make solid decisions and start preparing for your life after divorce. It is essential that you approach your divorce like it is a business. Below are some things to think about as you begin to prepare for a divorce:
1. Get all of your paperwork together. The amount of information and documentation required for a divorce can seem overwhelming, so it makes sense to use a document checklist and begin gathering all of it together as soon as possible. You will need to have a record of names, account numbers, addresses, phone numbers and e-mail addresses for all persons or companies involved with your assets and debts. Don’t forget bank accounts, credit cards, loans and applications, stocks and bonds, mortgages and title information. It also helps to have tax returns for the last three years.
2. Understand money matters relating to your finances and divorce. Once you gather the paperwork, begin determining the net worth of your marital estate. The marital estate is everything that was acquired during your marriage. Net worth is the total of all your debts subtracted from the total value of the assets.
Another consideration when preparing for divorce is to keep a budget of your income and expenses. This will help provide documentation for determining the amount of support you’ll either be awarded or required to pay.
3. Become financially solvent. Divorce has a way of wrecking credit. While you prepare for divorce, get a copy of your credit report to see where you stand. If your credit is poor, start paying down your debt and cleaning up bad marks as early as you can.
It’s also a good idea to open accounts in your name alone to safeguard your finances. This way you will be able to pay expenses without having to worry about your spouse finding out or taking the money. Use this account to build a reserve to cover emergency expenses, law firm retainers, rental deposits and other expenses in your newly separated life.
4. Make sure you can provide for yourself. If you are currently employed, don’t quit your job. If you aren’t working, begin drafting a resume. Even if you consider going back to school, recognize that taking care of yourself is key – especially with a divorce action on the way.
5. Seek legal advice. It’s beneficial to consult with a divorce lawyer or family law attorney during the preparation stage. Learn what your options are, and get suggestions about how to prepare yourself as well as you can for an eventual divorce. Plus, once you do decide to move forward with divorce, you’ll have somebody already ready to handle your case.
6. Make sure that your taxes are up to date. Make sure that all federal and state taxes are paid. This can be a real problem during a divorce. If you suspect that your spouse may have not reported taxes, or paid liabilities, consider filing amended tax returns as married, filing separately.
7. Consider insurance coverage. Even though Massachusetts requires that insurance policies are to maintain intact pending a divorce action, getting health, automobile and home insurance in your own name may make sense. Just make sure you account for these in your post-divorce budget.
8. Document your valuables. Take pictures or even videotape your prized and most valuable possessions. If things end-up missing during the divorce, this can provide proof of its existence. If you have a volatile spouse, consider getting a safety deposit box to store valuable documents and jewelry.
9. Don’t rock the boat. Once you decide to divorce, moving out of the home may be a tempting thing to add to your checklist, but don’t – until you speak with an attorney. It may have ramifications relating to child custody issues. Also, while it may be tempting, hold off on dating until your progress through the court process. While it is true that the judges may not care, it only makes your spouse less cooperative during the process.
Lawyers & Fees
For many, making the first call to a lawyer is frightening because it is an acknowledgment that the marriage is in trouble or has ended. Don’t feel guilty about picking up the phone. You should know your rights and act fast so you will be able to make educated, intelligent decisions. What you do before the divorce can have significant implications during the divorce process.
Divorce lawyers can provide sound legal advice and help you avoid costly mistakes when your marriage ends. The divorce process involves many legal technicalities that can affect your well being, as well as your children’s, for many years to come. If you are considering a divorce, or if your spouse has initiated divorce proceedings, the first thing that you need to do is consult a divorce lawyer who focuses their practice on divorce and family law matters.
Once you have identified potential divorce lawyers, set up an interview to get information on how your case would be handled and to see if there is good rapport between you and the lawyer.
Some lawyers may not take the phone call, or will speak with you only briefly and then have you make an appointment with their secretary. Before you book the meeting, make sure the first consultation meeting will be free of charge.
During the consultation, expect to be told about the divorce and custody laws in Massachusetts. An attorney is not your therapist, but he or she must understand all the issues involved, from the legal to the psychological to the financial.
Be prepared to be grilled about the details of your marriage. Since there are 21 components to the divorce statutes, a competent attorney will want a windshield tour of what representing you would entail.
Look for an attorney who belongs to a firm that can be flexible enough to handle your situation. Every divorce case is different. So is every firm. Every individual has different needs and expectations. Some clients want to spend most of their time with their attorney directly, seeking strategic planning and discussion of all the issues. Other clients would rather keep costs down by spending most of their time with a junior attorney or paralegal.
Make sure you hire a divorce lawyer who has enough time to handle your case and is available to you when necessary. If your lawyer works part time, is too busy to return your phone calls, or generally doesn’t spend quality time engaged in settlement discussions or strategic planning, you should consider hiring another attorney. While your case may not require a great deal of time with the attorney, being unable to schedule an appointment with that attorney or to get that attorney on the telephone within 24 hours of your call can be very frustrating. Competent, experienced and careful family law practitioners will carry a caseload that allows them to competently and zealously serve their clients’ needs.
After you have met with the attorney and you decide you want him or her to take your case, the attorney will draft a retainer letter that explains the terms of the legal relationship, including lawyers’ fees, expenses and fees for other services.
Just as it is hard to estimate how much time your case will take, the cost may also be unknown. There are ranges your lawyer may be able to provide depending on how simple or complex the case is. If your case goes to trial, it could cost $25,000 or more in legal fees. Generally, lawyers who are part of the domestic relations bar charge on an hourly basis. Hourly rates differ greatly from attorney to attorney, but are typically anywhere from $225 to $550 per hour, with those who concentrate in divorce charging a little more than a general practitioner.
What separates a $5,000 divorce from a $20,000 divorce? That is simple: complex issues and problems. For example, the following items can cause a divorce to become costly: drawn-out custody battles; family violence; complex businesses that must be evaluated and split; retirement accounts; the sale of a home; allegations of sexual abuse; forensic investigations or either party’s unwillingness to abide by court orders.
The issues above push the divorce price tag higher and higher. The average divorce involves the refinancing of a home, limited custody issues and the division of a retirement account. This can be done in a relatively short period of time, and it will not be nearly as costly.
Remember, fighting is expensive. The more you and your spouse bicker over matters, the more issues the lawyers will have to tackle, and the more it’s going to cost you. Learn more about Lawyers & Fees in our Quick Links section.
Pre-Filing Homework
Take the following actions to help protect your rights while you are considering whether or not to file a divorce action:
1. Locate and make copies of: the most recent income tax returns, stock certificates, bonds, bank statements, money market fund statements, brokerage account statements, checking account statements and checks, appraisals of real estate or tangible personal property, loan applications, wills and trust documents. If your spouse owns a business, obtain a copy of all cash receipts for the past three years, as well as tax returns, financial statements and bank records for the business.
2. Inventory the contents of any jointly-held safety deposit box, as well as household valuables such as silver, china, antiques, collectables, art objects and household goods.
3. Establish personal credit relationships (credit cards, store charge accounts, etc.)
4. Open a bank account in your name at a bank where your spouse does not do business. Start saving as much money as you can. If and when you separate, there will be a need for available funds to retain an attorney, as well as pay any other expenses which your spouse may refuse to pay. Your spouse may even withhold support which will place a financial burden on you until a motion to establish temporary support can be brought and heard.
5. Obtain a safety deposit box at the same bank for your personal records.
6. Make a list of all mail received by your spouse from brokerage firms, banks, insurance companies and credit card issuers, as well as their addresses.
7. Make sure that your car is in workable order.
8. If you suspect adultery, get an AIDS test.
9. Have a medical and dental examination. If convenient, undergo any treatments you may anticipate needing in the near future if they are covered under your spouse’s insurance.
10. Keep a diary of relevant events, including the comings and goings of your spouse.
11. Do not sign any contracts, promissory notes, deeds, mortgages, or similar documents at the request of your spouse. Your refusal may tip your spouse of your desire to obtain a divorce, but the consequences can be far worse than that of the disclosure.
12. In the event that you decide to initiate the process by filing and serving the divorce action, there is no way to predict how your spouse will react. Therefore, it may be advisable to:
-
Withdraw your fair share of funds from joint savings or money market accounts
-
Take possession of jointly held stocks, bonds, CDs, and money market funds.
-
Change the locks of your car and home if your spouse no longer resides there
Filing & Serving the Complaint
The complaint has two parts. The first part sets forth the basic facts – a procedural history of the marriage, identification of the parties, whether they have children, and other details. The second part seeks relief – such as an award of alimony, child support and a division of the marital estate.
The summons is a powerful document which has the strength to demand the defendant appear in court. In Massachusetts, that document also indicates that, from that point forward, neither party may dispose of marital assets other than for the necessities of life.
Following preparation, the lawyer will then file the complaint with the court and have both the summons and complaint served upon the other party to the action.
Within 20 days of being served the complaint, the defendant is required to file an answer (the responsive pleading) with the Court where they respond to each allegation made in the complaint. The answer must then be served to your attorney.
If your spouse served you with the complaint first and you also wish to seek a divorce, you are required to file a separate counterclaim setting forth the relevant factual information as well as the legal basis for your counterclaim when you file your answer. Commonly, both the answer and counterclaim are included in the same document.
Pending the outcome of a divorce action, a party may move or ask a judge to do certain things. By way of example, one spouse may go into court and ask the judge to issue an order for temporary support; custody of any minor children; visitation; or any other relief desired.